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A Victorian Scrapbook

A Scrapbook of Newspaper Articles Compiled by George Burgess (1829-1905)

Victorian Humour

A Compilation of short articles (6)

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Transcripts from original newspaper articles: -

Page Contents

A Keen Rebuke

A Poor Man’s Comfort

Affection In Man And Woman

An Irishman Called On A Lady And Gentleman

An Old Bachelor Geologist

I Wonder What Has Become Of The Snuffers

Matrimonial Breeze

Men Are Like Bugles

New, Gentlemen

Nice Medium

Public Wants

Shorts

The Best Ship To Have Command Of

The Spreading Of A Report

Truth And Idleness

Two Friends

When I Goes A Shopping

Why Does Water Boil Sooner In An Old Saucepan



Click here to view the original 19th Century American newspaper article for the following four humorous items, snuffers, Matrimonial Breeze, a Poor man's Comfort and men are like bugles.

“I wonder what has become of the snuffers!” said Mrs Johnston. “I have been looking for them all the evening, and can’t find them high or low.” Nobody could give any information. After a while, her tired Dutchman of a husband, getting sleepy, commenced pulling off his boots, preparatory to going to bed. “All dis day,” said he, “I tink I got som little grabble stones in my poot. I kess I ket `em out now.” He turned up his boot, and poured out the snuffers.–


MATRIMONIAL BREEZE. – “Arrah, Pat, and why did I marry ye, just toll me that, for its myself that’s had to maintain ye ever since the blesses day that Father O’Flannagan sent me home to yer house?” – “Swate jewell,” replied pat, not relishing the charge, “and its myself that hopes I may live to see the day when ye’re a widow, wapeing over the cooled sod that covers me – then I’ll see how ye get along without me, honey.”

A POOR MAN’S COMFORT. – It is a blessed thing for a poor man to have a contented wife; one who will not wish to live in a style beyond her husband’s income just because her next-door neighbour does, one who can be happy in the love of her husband, her home, and its beautiful duties, without asking the world for its smiles or its favour.

Men are like bugles – the more brass they contain the farther you can hear them. Women are like tulips – the more modest and retired they appear, the better you love them.

American paper.



View the Original Newspaper Articles for the following three humorous snipits

“New, gentlemen,” said a nobleman to his guests on one occasion, as the ladies left the room, “let us understand each other – are we to drink like men, or like brutes?” The guests, somewhat indignant, exclaimed, “Like men, of course.” – “Then,” replied he, “we are going to get jolly drunk, for brutes never drink more than they want.”


An old-bachelor geologist was boasting that every rock was as familiar to him as the alphabet. A lady declared that she knew of a rock of which he was ignorant. “Name it, madam,” said he. – “It is rock the cradle, sir,” replied the lady.


THE BEST SHIP TO HAVE COMMAND OF - FRENDSHIP

(Diogenes)



NICE MEDIUM. – An enthusiastic believer was relating to a sceptic certain spiritual performances to which he could testify, and among other things, he said that on one occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years, returned to him, and seating herself upon his knee, put her arm round him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when living. – “You do not mean to say,” remarked the sceptic, “that the spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?” – “No, not exactly that,” replied the narrator, “but her spirit took possession of a female medium, and through her, embrace and kissed me!”


PUBLIC WANTS.

Immediate and decisive answers are wanted to the following questions: -
How to gain a reputation for talent in your native town?
How to give advice or to argue with a fool?
How to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty?
How to get long credit of tradesmen, if they generally see you in shabby clothes.
How to make your children tell fibs for you, and not teach them to tell fibs for themselves?
How to make evasive excuses without incurring the guilt of lying?
How to screw down a mechanic below the fair living prices of a job, and not at the end cheat yourself.



AFFECTION IN MAN AND WOMAN. – Women are said to have stronger attachments than men. It is not so. Strength of attachment is evinced in little things. A man is often attached to an old hat; but did you ever know of a woman having an attachment for an old bonnet? –
Punch.


Victorian Humour…. An Irishman called on a lady and gentleman, in whose employ he was, for the purpose of getting some tea and tobacco.
“I had a dhrame last night, yer honor.”
“What was it Pat?”
“Why, I dhramed that your honor made a present of a plug of tobaccy, and her ladyship there – Heaven bless her: - gave me some tea for the good wife”
“Ah! Pat, dreams go by contraries, as you well know?”
“Faith and they do that,” said, Pat, without the least hesitation, “so yer ladyship is to give me the tobaccy, and his honor the tay.”




SHORTS

THE GOLDEN “CALF.” – A stocking full of money.

Transported for life – the man that marries happily.

“Patrick, where is Bridget?” “Indade, ma’am, she’s fat asleep lookin’ at the bread bakin’.”

SELF-DENIAL. – Looking out of the first floor window, and informing the tax-gatherer that you are not at home.

India-rubber gloves are capital things for those who wish to wash themselves without wetting their hands.

“We must reconcile ourselves to our enemies when we are dying,” as an old toper remarked when he called for a glass of water.

Why is a bottle of anchovies like a young man angry with his laundress? – because it’s adulterated with false colours (adult irated with false collars).



THE SPREADING OF A REPORT. – The servant at No. 1 told the servant at No. 2, that her master expected his old friends, the Bayleys, to pay him a visit at Christmas; and No. 2 told No. 3 that No. 1 expected the Bailies in the house every day; and No. 3 told No. 4 that it was all up with No. 1, for they couldn’t keep the bailiffs out; whereupon No. 4 told No. 5 that the officers were after No. 1, and that it was as much as he could do to prevent himself from being taken in execution, and that it was killing his poor dear wife; and so it went on increasing and increasing, until it got to No. 33 where it was reported that the detective police had taken up the gentle man who lives at No. 1, for killing his poor dear wife with arsenic, and it was confidently hoped and expected that he would be executed at Horsemonger Lane Gaol, as the facts of the case were very clear against him.


View the Original Newspaper Articles for the following three humorous snipits, two friends, truth and idleness and a Keen Rebuke.

…. Two friends met after a long absence – one had waxed fat, the other lean.
“Why,” said the first, “you look as if you had not had a dinner since I was you last.”
“And you,” replied the other, “look as if you had been at dinner ever since.”


…. TRUTH AND IDLENESS. – “There! Leave the entrenchment, and go tell the captain you are the idlest rascal in the regiment.”
“Plaise yer reverence an’ honor,” replied the soldier thus addressed, “plaise yer reverence, ye would not have me go with a lie in my mouth.”


…. A KEEN REBUKE – A man who forbade his servant girl (who belonged to the same church with himself) going in and out of the front door of the house was quietly asked by the girl if he supposed they would enter Heaven by separate doors.



…. “Why does water boil sooner in an old saucepan than a new one?”
Punch takes it upon himself to answer this abstruse query, by saying, “it’s because the old un’s used to it.


“When I goes a shopping,” said an old lady, “I allers asks for what I wants, and if they have it, and it’s suitable, and I feel inclined to take it, and it’s cheap, and it can’t be got at any place for less, I almost allers take it, without chaffering about it all day, as most people do.”

Victorian Humour