Click here to view the original 19th Century American newspaper article for the following four humorous items, snuffers, Matrimonial Breeze, a Poor man's Comfort and men are like bugles.
“I wonder what has become of the snuffers!”
said Mrs Johnston. “I have been looking for them all the evening,
and can’t find them high or low.” Nobody could give any
information. After a while, her tired Dutchman of a husband, getting
sleepy, commenced pulling off his boots, preparatory to going to bed.
“All dis day,” said he, “I tink I got som little grabble
stones in my poot. I kess I ket `em out now.” He turned up his
boot, and poured out the snuffers.–
MATRIMONIAL BREEZE. – “Arrah, Pat, and
why did I marry ye, just toll me that, for its myself that’s had
to maintain ye ever since the blesses day that Father O’Flannagan
sent me home to yer house?” – “Swate jewell,”
replied pat, not relishing the charge, “and its myself that hopes
I may live to see the day when ye’re a widow, wapeing over the cooled
sod that covers me – then I’ll see how ye get along without
A POOR MAN’S COMFORT. – It is a blessed thing for a poor man
to have a contented wife; one who will not wish to live in a style beyond
her husband’s income just because her next-door neighbour does,
one who can be happy in the love of her husband, her home, and its beautiful
duties, without asking the world for its smiles or its favour.
Men are like bugles – the more brass they contain the farther you
can hear them. Women are like tulips – the more modest and retired
they appear, the better you love them.
View the Original Newspaper Articles for the following three humorous snipits
“New, gentlemen,” said a nobleman to his guests on one occasion,
as the ladies left the room, “let us understand each other –
are we to drink like men, or like brutes?” The guests, somewhat
indignant, exclaimed, “Like men, of course.” – “Then,”
replied he, “we are going to get jolly drunk, for brutes never drink
more than they want.”
An old-bachelor geologist was boasting that every rock was as familiar
to him as the alphabet. A lady declared that she knew of a rock of which
he was ignorant. “Name it, madam,” said he. – “It
is rock the cradle, sir,” replied the lady.
THE BEST SHIP TO HAVE COMMAND OF - FRENDSHIP
. – An enthusiastic believer was relating to a sceptic
certain spiritual performances to which he could testify, and among other
things, he said that on one occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been
dead several years, returned to him, and seating herself upon his knee,
put her arm round him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she
used to do when living. – “You do not mean to say,”
remarked the sceptic, “that the spirit of your wife really embraced
you and kissed you?” – “No, not exactly that,”
replied the narrator, “but her spirit took possession of a female
medium, and through her, embrace and kissed me!”
Immediate and decisive answers are wanted to the following
How to gain a reputation for talent in your native town?
How to give advice or to argue with a fool?
How to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty?
How to get long credit of tradesmen, if they generally see you in shabby
How to make your children tell fibs for you, and not teach them to tell
fibs for themselves?
How to make evasive excuses without incurring the guilt of lying?
How to screw down a mechanic below the fair living prices of a job, and
not at the end cheat yourself.
AFFECTION IN MAN AND WOMAN. – Women are said
to have stronger attachments than men. It is not so. Strength of attachment
is evinced in little things. A man is often attached to an old hat; but
did you ever know of a woman having an attachment for an old bonnet? –
An Irishman called on a lady and gentleman, in whose employ he was, for
the purpose of getting some tea and tobacco.
“I had a dhrame last night, yer honor.”
“What was it Pat?”
“Why, I dhramed that your honor made a present of a plug of tobaccy,
and her ladyship there – Heaven bless her: - gave me some tea for
the good wife”
“Ah! Pat, dreams go by contraries, as you well know?”
“Faith and they do that,” said, Pat, without the least hesitation,
“so yer ladyship is to give me the tobaccy, and his honor the tay.”
THE GOLDEN “CALF.” – A stocking full
Transported for life – the man that marries happily.
“Patrick, where is Bridget?” “Indade,
ma’am, she’s fat asleep lookin’ at the bread bakin’.”
SELF-DENIAL. – Looking out of the first floor window,
and informing the tax-gatherer that you are not at home.
India-rubber gloves are capital things for those who
wish to wash themselves without wetting their hands.
“We must reconcile ourselves to our enemies when
we are dying,” as an old toper remarked when he called for a glass
Why is a bottle of anchovies like a young man angry with
his laundress? – because it’s adulterated with false colours
(adult irated with false collars).
THE SPREADING OF A REPORT
. – The servant at No.
1 told the servant at No. 2, that her master expected his old friends,
the Bayleys, to pay him a visit at Christmas; and No. 2 told No. 3 that
No. 1 expected the Bailies in the house every day; and No. 3 told No.
4 that it was all up with No. 1, for they couldn’t keep the bailiffs
out; whereupon No. 4 told No. 5 that the officers were after No. 1, and
that it was as much as he could do to prevent himself from being taken
in execution, and that it was killing his poor dear wife; and so it went
on increasing and increasing, until it got to No. 33 where it was reported
that the detective police had taken up the gentle man who lives at No.
1, for killing his poor dear wife with arsenic, and it was confidently
hoped and expected that he would be executed at Horsemonger Lane Gaol,
as the facts of the case were very clear against him.
View the Original Newspaper Articles for the following three humorous snipits, two friends, truth and idleness and a Keen Rebuke.
…. Two friends met after a long absence – one had waxed fat,
the other lean.
“Why,” said the first, “you look as if you had not had
a dinner since I was you last.”
“And you,” replied the other, “look as if you had been
at dinner ever since.”
…. TRUTH AND IDLENESS. – “There! Leave the entrenchment,
and go tell the captain you are the idlest rascal in the regiment.”
“Plaise yer reverence an’ honor,” replied the soldier
thus addressed, “plaise yer reverence, ye would not have me go with
a lie in my mouth.”
…. A KEEN REBUKE – A man who forbade his servant girl (who
belonged to the same church with himself) going in and out of the front
door of the house was quietly asked by the girl if he supposed they would
enter Heaven by separate doors.
…. “Why does water boil sooner in an old saucepan than a new
Punch takes it upon himself to answer this abstruse query, by saying,
“it’s because the old un’s used to it.
“When I goes a shopping,” said an old lady, “I allers
asks for what I wants, and if they have it, and it’s suitable, and
I feel inclined to take it, and it’s cheap, and it can’t be
got at any place for less, I almost allers take it, without chaffering
about it all day, as most people do.”