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A Victorian Scrapbook

A Scrapbook of Newspaper Articles Compiled by George Burgess (1829-1905)

Victorian Humour

A Compilation of short articles (5)

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Transcripts from original newspaper articles: -

Page Contents

A Female School Teacher

A Little Blustering Man

A Servant Girl

Annie

Griggs And Slimley

Hogg’s Tales

In A Bad Box

Jeannie

Little Johnny

Logic

Lost, Somewhere Between Sunrise And Sunset

Low Water

Omnibus Stops

Some Men Are Like Cats

What Do You Ask For This Article

What Do You Think Of The Defendant, Mr. Thomson

Young Lady



GRIGGS: “See here, Slimley, a word with you before you go. You’ve been calling on my sister for three months, and I think it’s about time to ask your intentions.”
Slimley: “perfectly Honourable, Tom. She proposed to me to-night, and we’ll be married soon.”


OMNIBUS stops; smiling young lady enters; every seat full; an old gentleman rises at the other end.
“Oh, don’t rise!” says the lovely girl. “I can just as well stand.”
“You can do just as you please about that, miss,” says the old man, “but I’m going to get out.”

Click here to view the original newspaper articles for the above two humorous items 'Griggs' and 'Omnibus'



Victorian HumourHOGG’S TALES – Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd, wrote some excellent tales. A lady once said to a countryman who filled the office of shepherd, “Are you fond of Hogg’s Tales?” – “Yes, I likes them roasted, wi’ salt on `em,” was the response. “No – but I mean – have you read Hogg’s Tales?” “Noa,” said the bumpkin, “our hogs are all white or black – I dosnt think there’s a red one among `em.


Click here to view the original newspaper article for the two humorous items below about the Insect Class and Flattery

“Sir,” said a little blustering man to a religious opponent, “to what sect do you think I belong?”
“Well, I don’t exactly know,” replied the other, “but to judge from your size and appearance, I should think you belonged to a class called the insect.”


“What do you ask for this article?” Inquired Obadiah, of a young miss behind the counter.
“Fifteen shillings.”
“Aint you a little dear?”
“Why.” She replied, blushing, “all the young men tell me so.”

LOST, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes, No reward is offered, for they are lost forever.


…. IN A BAD BOX. – A man, pretty comfortably drunk, was holding on to a pose, when a friend inquired what was the matter?
“Matter,” said the fellow, “I am in a quandary.”
“What do you mean by a quandary,” asked his friend.
“Why, if I hold on here I shall freeze to death, and if I let go I shall fall into the dock.”


JEANNIE,” said a Cameronian, to his daughter, who was asking his consent to accompany her urgent and favoured suitor to the alter, “Jeannie, it’s a very solemn thing to get married.” – “I know it, father,” replied the sensible damsel, “but it’s a great deal solemner not to.”


Click here to view the original newspaper article for the two humorous items below.

LITTLE JOHNNY has been naughty, and has had to be sent from the table without having any dessert. For the last hour he has been sitting in a corner of the room crying. As last he thinks in time to stop.
“Well! I hope you have done crying now?” says his mother.
Johnny (in a passion): “I haven’t done. I’m only resting!”


YOUNG LADY: I heard somebody kiss you in the dark hall last night.”
Maid: “You got kissed too.”
“Yes, but that’s the young man to whom I am engaged to married. There is no harm in that.”
“I am glad to hear it. He was the young man you heard kissing me in the hall last night.”
Young lady faints.


LOGIC. – A gentleman asked a country clergyman for the use of his pulpit for a young divine, a relation of his. “I really do not know,” said the clergyman, “how to refuse you; but if the young man should preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he can preach worse, I don’t think he’s fit to preach at all.”


Victorian Lover
…. “Well, Annie, how did you get along with that stupid fool of a lover of yours? Did you succeed in getting rid of him?”
“O, yes! I got rid of him very easily. I married him and he is no lover now.” (Spoken in a modest manner.)


Click here to view the original newspaper article for the following three humorous items, Low Water, Servant girl and a female school teacher.

…. LOW WATER. – A countryman seeing a vessel very heavily laden, and scarcely above the water’s edge, exclaimed: - “Upon my word, if the sea was but a bit higher, the ship would go to the bottom!”


…. A servant girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to her reasons for leaving.
“Mistress is so quick tempered that I cannot live with her,” said the girl.
“Well,” said the gentleman, “you know it is no sooner begun than it is over.”
“Yes, sir, and no sooner over than it is begun.”

…. A female school teacher in her advertisement, stated that she was complete mistress of her own tongue. “If that’s the case,” said a caustic old bachelor, “she can’t ask too much for her services.”


…. “What do you think of the defendant, Mr. Thomson? Do you consider him a very good musician?”
“On that point I wish to speak with great care. I don’t wish to intimate that Mr. Van Slop is not a good musician. Not at all. All I wish to say is this: The day after he commenced on the clarinet a saw filer who lived next door, left home, and has never since been heard of.”
“That will do, Mr Thomson. Call the next witness.”


…. Some men are like cats. You may stroke their fur the right way for years, and hear nothing but purring; but accidentally tread on the tail, and all memory of former kindness is at once obliterated.