GRIGGS: “See here, Slimley, a word with you before
you go. You’ve been calling on my sister for three months, and
I think it’s about time to ask your intentions.”
Slimley: “perfectly Honourable, Tom. She proposed to me to-night,
and we’ll be married soon.”
OMNIBUS stops; smiling young lady enters; every seat full; an old gentleman
rises at the other end.
“Oh, don’t rise!” says the lovely girl. “I can
just as well stand.”
“You can do just as you please about that, miss,” says the
old man, “but I’m going to get out.”
Click here to view the original newspaper articles for the above two humorous items 'Griggs' and 'Omnibus'
HOGG’S TALES – Hogg, the Ettrick
Shepherd, wrote some excellent tales. A lady once said to a countryman
who filled the office of shepherd, “Are you fond of Hogg’s
Tales?” – “Yes, I likes them roasted, wi’
salt on `em,” was the response. “No – but I mean –
have you read Hogg’s Tales?” “Noa,” said the
bumpkin, “our hogs are all white or black – I dosnt think
there’s a red one among `em.
Click here to view the original newspaper article for the two humorous items below about the Insect Class and Flattery
“Sir,” said a little blustering man to a religious opponent,
“to what sect do you think I belong?”
“Well, I don’t exactly know,” replied the other, “but
to judge from your size and appearance, I should think you belonged to
a class called the insect.”
“What do you ask for this article?” Inquired Obadiah, of a
young miss behind the counter.
“Aint you a little dear?”
“Why.” She replied, blushing, “all the young men tell
, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set
with sixty diamond minutes, No reward is offered, for they are lost forever.
…. IN A BAD BOX
. – A man, pretty comfortably drunk, was holding
on to a pose, when a friend inquired what was the matter?
“Matter,” said the fellow, “I am in a quandary.”
“What do you mean by a quandary,” asked his friend.
“Why, if I hold on here I shall freeze to death, and if I let go
I shall fall into the dock.”
,” said a Cameronian, to his daughter, who was asking
his consent to accompany her urgent and favoured suitor to the alter,
“Jeannie, it’s a very solemn thing to get married.”
– “I know it, father,” replied the sensible damsel,
“but it’s a great deal solemner not to.”
Click here to view the original newspaper article for the two humorous items below.
LITTLE JOHNNY has been naughty, and has had to be sent from the table
without having any dessert. For the last hour he has been sitting in a
corner of the room crying. As last he thinks in time to stop.
“Well! I hope you have done crying now?” says his mother.
Johnny (in a passion): “I haven’t done. I’m only resting!”
: I heard somebody kiss you in the dark hall last night.”
Maid: “You got kissed too.”
“Yes, but that’s the young man to whom I am engaged to married.
There is no harm in that.”
“I am glad to hear it. He was the young man you heard kissing me
in the hall last night.”
Young lady faints.
. – A gentleman asked a country clergyman for the use of his
pulpit for a young divine, a relation of his. “I really do not know,”
said the clergyman, “how to refuse you; but if the young man should
preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards;
and if he can preach worse, I don’t think he’s fit to preach
…. “Well, Annie, how did you get along with that stupid fool
of a lover of yours? Did you succeed in getting rid of him?”
“O, yes! I got rid of him very easily. I married him and he is no
lover now.” (Spoken in a modest manner.)
Click here to view the original newspaper article for the following three humorous items, Low Water, Servant girl and a female school teacher.
…. LOW WATER. – A countryman seeing a vessel
very heavily laden, and scarcely above the water’s edge, exclaimed:
- “Upon my word, if the sea was but a bit higher, the ship would
go to the bottom!”
…. A servant girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master
as to her reasons for leaving.
“Mistress is so quick tempered that I cannot live with her,”
said the girl.
“Well,” said the gentleman, “you know it is no sooner
begun than it is over.”
“Yes, sir, and no sooner over than it is begun.”
…. A female school teacher in her advertisement, stated that she
was complete mistress of her own tongue. “If that’s the case,”
said a caustic old bachelor, “she can’t ask too much for her
…. “What do you think of the defendant, Mr. Thomson? Do you
consider him a very good musician?”
“On that point I wish to speak with great care. I don’t wish
to intimate that Mr. Van Slop is not a good musician. Not at all. All
I wish to say is this: The day after he commenced on the clarinet a saw
who lived next door, left home, and has never since been heard
“That will do, Mr Thomson. Call the next witness.”
…. Some men are like cats. You may stroke their fur the right
way for years, and hear nothing but purring; but accidentally tread
on the tail, and all memory of former kindness is at once obliterated.